Last Friday’s edition of the local newspaper for the tiny hamlet of Wistful Vista, Vermont, (pop. 186), carried a notice of the betrothal of the town’s endocrinologist, Doctor Hugh Fingerstick, to his former high school squeeze, Elvira Swine, the latter, his nurse of forty-two years. Notably, as reported in the Village Newspaper, this will be the fourth marriage celebrated between the parties; the seemingly, indecisive, couple has been previously, married to each other, and mutually divorced, three times. Both are a healthy, chipper, 82 years of age.
The lavish wedding ceremony, as reported, is to take place, June 12, 1:30 P.M., rain or shine (guests are advised to bring sturdy umbrellas), at the large batting cage of the Wistful Vista Little League Field, located behind the Village Hall. The location was specifically, selected for its symbolical significance, in the optimistic hope, this time, of a late-inning, successful and enduring, outcome.
The newspaper further stated that, as a practical matter, there is scant expectation of a significantly large turnout since most invited (and still surviving), guests, have previously, been through the analogous experience, no less than three times; but, perhaps, most notably, since the bride, has resolutely, announced that she, despite, popular, negative advice, is planning to wear her new, platinum blond wig, recently purchased by her at the beauty counter of the local Walmart, for the occasion.
Their only child, (born of their second marriage), Ms. Willa Swine Fingerstick, is expected to attend. It may be remembered, that Willa is known to be an academic professional, teaching, as full professor, the didactic course, “Baroque Barnyard Architecture,” at Southern Jejune University, and additionally, the renowned author of the naturalist textbook, “The Sex Life of Rock Lichens,” as well as a best-selling and incisive, action- sports- romance novel, ”Ping Pong Marriage.”
The Village newspaper announced that the pastor, to preside over the wedding, is to be, Dr. Carlos I. Yonosay. The Reverend is an accomplished, Biblical Scholar, long affiliated, with the prestigious, Community Church, “Our Lady of Rare Indiscretion,” located in the adjoining township of Sesame Falls. The wedding sermon, as advised, will be entitled, “A Bridge Too Far.” The sumptuous wedding feast is to be catered by the local, recently sanctioned and now re-opened, Wistful Burger King, and is to take place, following the nuptials, at its recently, renovated and expertly, fumigated, franchise store.
At an interview of the groom, conducted by Wistful Newspaper’s, society columnist, Ms. Shirley M. Nosey, The groom, prudently, declared: “Couples should allow themselves, ample time to know each other.
The soon to be, newly (re-) married couple, has joyously, announced plans to spend the entire, ten-day honeymoon, at the posh, freshly painted, art deco style, screen porch, located at the rear of the groom’s, longtime, residence (sporting the blond bearskin rug, lava lamp and the newly upholstered, leather,” hot pink” colored swing).
Guests have been advised, that no presents are expected for those who have generously, provided the couple with wedding gifts, for no less than, two, of their previous, three, wedding ceremonies. As announced, the appropriate dress is entirely, optional, with a sole and specific interdiction, regarding soiled, blue jeans. Music, for the wedding procession, and dancing will be provided by the much celebrated, six-man, rock group, “Spastic Colon.”
With the exception of guests, planning to attend the wedding, patients of Dr. Fingerstick, are encouraged to” lay off” sweets, cake and soda, until he re-opens his office in eleven days.
The entire Wistful Vista Community wishes the redundantly loving, bride and groom, great happiness and, ultimate, decisive finality.