The consensus of selected historical references appears to record the community of “Dismal Vista” as having been founded in 1888 by a Ms. Elvira Swine. The good Ms. Swine (later recognized, by the denizens of that community, as a Saint) was sleepily perusing her King James, near the banks of the Chesapeake River, when she clearly heard a solemn, heavenly voice from on high, instruct her to close her book, rise and go 132,,5 miles west, to form a righteous community.
That community, named “Dismal Vista,” situated in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania was for years accessible only by means of an unpaved mule road. However, under the modern infrastructure initiative of President Donald Trump, was” bigly” improved and now is a paved, two-way highway, popularly known as the Oblivion “Turnpike.”
The community, presently (according to the last census) is populated by some 1903 souls, each dedicated to living a “sanctified life,” by ts prohibition of alcoholic beverages, dancing to modern music, homosexuality, vaccination of the young and improper speech.
The Mayor, Lucinda G. Swine, purportedly, a distant descendant of the Sainted founder, does yeoman community service by simultaneously functioning as the Sunday School Teacher (thus relieving the traditionally overworked, Rev. Sleaerom the task), as the Official School Nurse and as well, the Vice- Chairperson of the Church Geranium Committee.
In the spirit of fairness, it should be said that the community does approve, and sponsor, certain social events, at which square dancing and the Texas two-step are permitted. At these approved events, non-alcoholic beverages and, freshly baked apple-rhubarb pies are sold (the money earmarked for the upkeep of the Church’s inventory of Bibles). It also does sponsor elder supervised picnics and daily church field trips to nearby lakes and farmlands,
There appear to be no professional offices located in Dismal Vista. In the recent past, an idealistic young physician, seeking to serve the perceived need of a medical facility in a rural setting, quickly departed, after observing that vaccinations, sex education and the discussion of women’s health issues are forbidden based on community accepted religious precept.
A modest schoolhouse,located, meaningfully, opposite the Dismal Vista All- Faiths Church, consists of three rooms ( one of which serves as the school office) at which the young of the Dismal community is instructed in such subjects as penmanship, spelling, reading, arithmetic, and geography, but decidedly not on the subject of evolution, which is contrary to the Bible.
Holidays include all of the popular religious observance plus, President’s Day ( called “Trump Day” by the admiring community) and, as well, the date on which the community is traditionally believed to have been founded; which, by reason of its perceived significance, is recognized and celebrated as New Year’s day.
Outsiders desiring to settle in the community are carefully scrutinized and painstakingly vetted by the community elders, and if found acceptable, will be considered for acceptance following the execution of a formal, binding Agreement, expressing their undertaking to abide by the rules and regulations, as well as the nuanced folkways of the community.It is to be noted that certain mandatory rules provide that no person from New York or California, nor any person born in a foreign country, may apply,
There are discernable media in the community with the exception of the free oral exchange of information every Monday and Friday evening 8: PM to 10:30PM at the General Store at which free coffee and unlimited pie are religiously available.
A few years ago, an enterprising member of the community attempted to enter into the local business of residential real estate but found, to his utter amazement, that there were no prospective people whatsoever, who appeared to be desirous of moving to Dismal Vista. He is now, however happily and successfully engaged in growing rhubarb, which, as everyone knows, is always a welcome addition to apple pie.