Homecoming Day at Alt. Orange University is an especially grand and festive occasion. Alumni and vetted members of the public comprise the traditional attendees. The perennial date is April 1st to coincide with “April Fool’s Day,” since past experience has taught the organizers that said distinct holiday is predictably and regularly recorded in the diaries of Homecoming’s regular attendees.
The event comprehends a full day and features speakers of note, as well as a number of celebrity alumni. There is a $25 attendance fee per family unit, (mandatorily, heterosexual) to defray the cost of the numerous fully armed security personnel, strategically deployed at critical posts throughout the vicinity of the University Arena, the latter named, “Bannon-Trump Patriots Hall.”
Artfully crafted (red, white and blue) invitations to this signal event, containing safe directions to the University campus, are sent registered, return receipt, to vetted members of the voting public and additionally, distributed at suitable venues, such as gun sale emporiums, selected bars and bowling alleys and veterans meeting halls, located in the metropolitan area. The address and location of the event are clearly set forth with a general recommendation that, as possible, to travel by way of the Whitestone Bridge, since it was made by and for Americans, and is patriotically constructed, as its name expressly indicates, exclusively from “white” stone. When one arrives at the general vicinity of the destination, he will find it simple to discern the college campus since all of the buildings are in orange color, each structure uniformly having two identical wings, both of course, being “right” wings.
This year’s homecoming theme is “False Statements as Legally Protected Free Speech under the U.S. Constitution as intended by the Founders.” The right of free speech, as expressly elucidated in the promotional materials,” has been expanded, eliminating and rebutting any atavistic requirements for accuracy and factual support; said improvement being testament to the successful remission of a past societal paranoid delusion, consisting of an incessant and insatiable addiction to the significantly limiting principle of factual accuracy.”
There are many notables and celebrities expected (chiefly, alumni) who have already been steadily arriving. They have come especially to see and hear the world class alumnus, Dr. Yono Sey, the event’s principal speaker. Professor Sey is the renowned author of the authoritative volume, “The Reign of Gluteus Maximus, Successor Emperor to Constantine, of the Holy Roman Empire” [unabridged, excl. pub., Bannon Books, LLC.].
The advertised subject of Professor Sey’s remarks is, “Changes in the Classic Style of Rhetoric, Since the Recent Retirement of Cicero and Marcus Antonius.” These two great orators and avatars of the Roman Republic famously left the Senate last year to take over a small pizza parlor in Hoboken, N.J.
Also in attendance, and slated to give a scholarly talk, is the book critic (and opponent of literacy), Mr. Page Turner. Mr. Turner also happens to be an ordained Minister and heads a congregation in St. Bigly Township, Huge Falls, N.J, and is similarly, a recognized authority on rhetoric and public speaking.
Fortunately for the program, Rev. Turner is presently available, to be substitute key speaker, since Dr. Sey has suddenly declined to speak, having left his speaker’s notes, he says, either at the gun emporium or his favorite shooting range, and has, moreover, suffered a bad stomach prominently featuring considerable gas and a consequent and disabling bellyache. Rev. Turner will speak on the timely subject, “Who needs Facts?” An exact replication follows:
“Knowledge and reference to factual accuracy is now decidedly retro, in fact, extinct, and is deemed to be a positive development, since wallowing in facts usually leads to undesirable conclusions. Therefore, when speaking to an audience, eschew facts, that is, avoid the limitations imposed by the consideration of the necessity for factual accuracy. The time saved not reading or consulting authorities on the subject, can more usefully be spent meditating and building up your speaking voice.”
“In the classic style of the famous Roman orator, Cicero, speak slowly, in measured tones, and do so with apparent confidence regardless of subject; but make sure, that your button-down blue collar is clean, buttoned up to your academic style beard and that the coffee stain on your orange sweater is not prominently evident. When you are asked a question, be sure to say whatever is then on your mind, on or off the subject; if asked for clarification, always respond with the statement that the subject is presently undergoing further study and that you will “definitely” get back to the questioner.”
Such exemplary performances will predictably get you a great many invitations to speak at soirees and cocktail parties as guest speaker. Always be sure that upon arrival at such social affairs, to drink the host’s liquor heavily; in addition to being free, an inebriate state will effectively shield you from the uncomfortable necessity of answering specific questions. In the event of exigent need, you can always refer to your evident drunken state and then charge off to the bathroom for regurgative relief. This tactic is a tad dramatic, but is far preferable to making a faux pas as this lecturer did in the recent past during remarks before a medical audience, when he famously asserted that a rheumatologist is an “apartment broker” (understandingly,and sympathetically dwelling on the sound of the first syllable).
Dr. Turner stated that one should, whenever possible, employ the wisest tactic of all; when invited politely to speak, always refuse based on previous engagements.