McDonald’s, the fast-food restaurant, in the Kremlin district, was festooned,  with flowers and decorations for the special day’s big event. Crowds of fur collared Russian citizens nervously fidgeted as they waited in close proximity to the parking lot for the start of the internationally advertised, gay nuptials. It was a most auspicious occasion, the wedding of Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump.

The large freezing crowd, after waiting several hours in the heavy snow, went suddenly silent with universal anticipation, as the first of a line of twelve black, highly polished, SUVs began arriving (Official Car # 1), the enchanting, bride and groom, Vladimir and Donald, plus eleven other vehicles, (Official Cars ## 2 through 11), carrying the top dozen or so, of Russian Oligarchs,  dressed in expensive Russian Sable Coats, smoking large black cigars, and flaunting their ornamental canes and gold watches.

The Manager of the Kremlin District McDonald’s fully decked out in company apron and McDonald’s uniform, walked over to the first car, genuflected and then opened the door to the flushed and smiling couple. The long line of shiny black SUVs was then opened by the ten winners of the monthly, “Short Order Cooks’ Contest,” and escorted the somewhat inebriated oligarchs inside, and to their designated places of honor next to the cash register. The affianced couple was ceremoniously, led indoors to the special seats of honor, adjacent to the modern, florally decorated, “all gender,” restroom facilities.

After everyone was settled down and seated, all eyes turned to the store manager who ritually, paced, slowly and ceremoniously, toward the affianced couple, while carrying a small pot, a towel, and a very large bag of chocolate only, M&M candies. The loving couple, Donald and Vladimir, flushed with excitement and anticipation, stood up to face the manager who reached into the small pot, (containing the run-off fats and oil from the grill)  while softly and reverently, chanting, (sotto voce) the tune of the very latest of the McDonald’s television commercials, anointed each of the two lovebirds on their foreheads, then wiped most of the warm hamburger grease, from his slippery hands. Next, he, ceremoniously, gave two (“chocolate only”) M& M candies, respectfully, to the bride and the groom, each of which, in turn, ate one of the (“chocolate only”) M&M candies, and, then fed the second to the other, classically representing, as the store manager explained, the mutual sharing of life and the sweetness of love.

The official then religiously, sliced a cooked McDonald’s, hamburger,( medium-well, no ketchup, hold the pickle), into two equal halves, and gave one- half to each celebrant, reciting the following formal vow: “Do you Donald and Vladimir join in marriage, and responsibly swear never, ever, to be a loser?” The parties, each with one-half of the ceremonial hamburger (medium well, no ketchup, hold the pickle) and, dripping grease from their lips, answered, sloppily and eagerly, in the affirmative. The married couple then embraced, the guests departed and the romantic nuptials deemed, officially completed.

The newlyweds on their way out of McDonald’s, were dumfounded and panicked, when a bespeckled, precocious twelve year old, boy, holding an open reference book, inquired: How can you two, be in a marriage, when the word, “autocrat,” means, rule by one, and not the marital sharing of authority? The erstwhile couple immediately panicked, and jointly agreed, that the problematic occasion was suitable for the exercise of the autocratic, tactical, “Big Lie,” and both angrily declared:” but, we were never married.”


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Retired from the practice of law'; former Editor in Chief of Law Review; Phi Beta Kappa; Poet. Essayist Literature Student and enthusiast.

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