If one were to look very carefully at a fully detailed World Map (a magnifying glass would be of much utilitarian assistance) and concentrate on the Northwestern- most area of Russian Siberia, you may just be able to discern a tiny isthmus, protruding in the general direction of the Arctic Circle. This small Russian-owned bit of land is the independent province of SCHMOR-KATZISTAN, a land exemplified by ice and permafrost snow. The capital (and only City) is the municipality of SCHMOR-KATZ, run by an autocratic President, MISTISLAV J. KUTYURNOSOFF, a/k/a (when not in earshot),” Goo-Goo Eyes Slava.”  The reason for the totally forbidden, and often used, nickname was the one and one- half inch thick eye lenses, worn by the always-stern Slavic Monarch; who by the way is also hard of hearing. The latter two weaknesses, not unlike the inherited blood disease, genetically suffered by the European Russian Czarist family, is believed to be, royally inherited. To true S-K patriots, therefore, both the need for, and the wearing, of such thick eyeglasses is a confirming sign of divine selection and assured august nobility.

The Nation of S-K, geographically and, by virtue of its extreme topography is, as a practical matter, divided into two distinct and separate national geographic regions. One of which is populated by 20,000 people who are ruled with an iron hand from the stated municipality, and who work, exclusively, at whatever small patches of soil  (the general condition of the land is perm a-frost or glacial)  to produce the only organic product that could be sustained in the Nation, big red sugar beets. The other one- half of the area of the Nation is a vast, empty, dark area, mostly, covered in ice and inhabited solely by hundreds of small penguins.

 The Nation is strictly insular and strictly self-sustaining, with one sole exception, set forth below, and conducts no trade or commerce with any other Nation or foreign province. It solely survives on a limited and repetitive diet, confined to, and consisting of, its home grown, sugar beets.  It may be noted that much culinary talent has been demonstrated in the creative and tasty preparations of sugar beet stew, beet cutlets, beet salad, beet soup, fried or boiled beets, stuffed (with chopped  beets) beets and many more, especially creative items on the official National Menu.

The one exception to the strict isolationist trade policy was the required importation from Mother Russia, of insulin, empirically made necessary, by reason of the regular and exclusive, dietary ingestion of sugar (sugar beets). Thousands of injective needles, filled with the needed insulin, are delivered by parachute, weekly, by European Russian transport planes. The prudent President, mindful of the criminal inclinations of Mother Russia, most specifically, its sociopathic oligarchs, would responsibly have the contents of the insulin needles checked for bogus ingredients, like cheap vodka, or borscht, for the protection of his people, He had especially engaged for this purpose, the services of the eminent scientist and chemist, Professor Oxana Kutyurnosoff.

Militarily, the frozen, sugar beet-growing Nation has four aging WW2 tanks, 1 propeller-driven bomber and 68 hunting rifles. All of said military equipment has been in unused storage, for many decades. Luckily, for its citizens, no Nation, historically, has ever chosen to invade or seek to acquire SCHMOR-KATZISTAN.

One day, an unexpected visitor arrived at SCHMOR-KATZ. It was, most discernably, a relative of the President, as one was able to tell by the one-inch thick monocle worn in his left eye. The relative, an outcast from a similarly configured, small Russian Nation, further to the South, extolled, for some days, the virtues of his recently departed country, regarding the variety of arable land and the rich produce grown. After some days of inspiring conversation, the two royal relatives discussed the possible invasion and acquisition of the richly endowed, Southern Nation. Eventually, examining maps, both of the Southern Nation, as well as that of SCHMOR-KATZISTAN, they put their highly magnified eyes together to construct an attack program, consisting of an initial bombardment, followed, by a land attack by the enlisted citizens of S-K, and the acquisition of the Southern Nation. The initial step of bombardment was essential since the Nation to be attacked, has a small standing army.

After some searching, an aged and very hesitant, S-K citizen came forward, who admitted he once flew an airplane but insisted that he might have forgotten how, and, further, insisted that he knew absolutely nothing about navigation.  The two thick-goggled conspiring relatives enlisted the unhappy former pilot, and, after a great deal of sputtering, the old aircraft took off. The two conspirators made ready their few bombs, and with their rapt, especially magnified, attention on the maps, awaited the proper moment. When they mutually determined that they were right above the target, they jacked opened the Bombay doors and rolled their five bombs out. Soon, they could hear the sounds of the explosions and, flushed with supposed success, happily directed the old former pilot to return to home base. Their planned intention was now, to rally their troops, for land invasion. However, shortly after their return, a ragged, smoky old beet farmer advised them that they had (erroneously) bombed the other part of S-K and had needlessly, killed and injured hundreds of innocent, small penguins.

 Pliny moral: Imperial conquest is never easy and always wrong.


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Retired from the practice of law'; former Editor in Chief of Law Review; Phi Beta Kappa; Poet. Essayist Literature Student and enthusiast.

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