A number of botanical research scientists claim that its origin was from this Spring’s bloom of the Rose of Sharon, while others of the flora-discipline theorists argue that the etiology of the new virus stems from the roiling of this year’s fresh viscous sap in the Nation’s pine trees. There is a superabundance of divergent theories, one school, consisting of biologically oriented pathologists, adheres to the theory that the new microscopic organisms are the ultimate chemical residue of the recently killed Coronavirus, the source of the pandemic recently eliminated. Another group attributes the phenomenon to subtle heliographic changes resulting from a suspected trauma to the paleolithic undisturbed, surface of the Moon, created by the U.S. 20th Century moonwalks. Whatever the provenance or medical etiology of this latest, rare, unknown and highly infectious micro- organism may be, it is bizarrely and inarguably in complete contrast with past viral epidemics in that, by some unknown bio-dynamic, it has proven to be a salubrious and welcome addition to humanity.
It is claimed by some reports, that the disease was first noticeably presented in Des Moines, Iowa. In the midst of a boring and unimpressive game of checkers with his next-door neighbor, Mr. Silus McSwine, the severely arthritic town grump, suddenly and without previous indication, jumped up, yelling, ”whoopie,” and then, “hotcha” and hobbled over as quickly as possible to passionately kiss his aged, odoriferous and mangy hound dog. On the East Coast, there were no less than twelve reported sightings of tenants, lovingly, hugging and kissing their landlords, plus and an anecdotal report of a New York veteran taxi driver, stalled in heavy traffic, kissing a traffic policeman. Within a period of less than ten days following the advent of the disease, national media reported a virtual pandemic of observed, universal and unaccounted for clinical instances of mutually spontaneous smiles and embraces between total strangers on the Nation’s streets, and places of public assembly, such as public parks, museums, movie theaters and concert halls.
Quickly responding to the unusual and unprecedented developments, the U.S. Center for Disease Control dutifully and hastily, assured the American Public, that it is “working 24-7” to ascertain the nature and potential of the mysterious infection, which, according to its microscopic appearance and universally virulent spread, has been generally ascribed to be a viral phenomenon. The learned and authoritative, Dr. Anthony Fauci, in his customary scientifically prudent and solicitous mode, advised the public, that until more was understood by researchers and public health officials, concerning the presenting new virus, newly termed the “Covetvirus,” (largely because it drew people affectionately together) to refrain from wearing masks (physical or otherwise) and to make a serious and concerted efforts to get closer to each other, at least in a neighborly fashion. There have been absolutely no reports of hospitalizations, due to the onset or complications stemming from the subject pathology, and there are clinically reliable reports of many hundreds of personal disputes being voluntarily withdrawn, incalculable handshakes between previously “distant” next-door neighbors and, to date, twelve thousand, two hundred and six, new marriages celebrated, and still counting.
The newly updated and clinically relevant health regime has observed a renaissance and rejuvenation of public attendance at theaters, restaurants, stadia, museums and other places of public assembly as well as full attendance in schools and colleges. Retail business, including, restaurants, department store traffic, barbershops and beauty parlors have seen an unprecedented, major resuscitation. Socially, large dinners, social gatherings and parties have resumed, and are reported to exceed prior experience.
Serious contention has arisen between the medical research profession and Big Pharma on one hand, and the general public on the other, as to whether or not, money and resources should be allocated to the research and development of a preventative vaccine against the Covetvirus. In fact, there are several pharmaceutical research and development laboratories presently engaged in the development of a safe and effective, synthetic Covetvirus, should the one which naturally occurred, be eliminated. The expected investment in the product, sought to be produced, and its forecast profits from wholesale and retail sales, are predicted, say financial experts, to be astronomical.
In the interim, the American public, engaged in comfortably lounging on beaches, happily vacationing in and out of the country, party revelers and the socially interactive public in general, are desirous of an extended length of the Covetvirus, pending the wait for an official announcement of the successful development of a safe, effective, synthetic substitute.
-p. ADDENDUM: ** [a little satire, intended to help the reader cope with the current pandemic]