The following is a certified-as accurate, facsimile, of the Record of the meeting, of the SFA, (Small Furry Animals) sub-committee, one of numerous committees, officially appointed by the NORTHEAST FOREST CONSERVANCY. The latter, a legally constituted, not-for-profit Trust. The Trust, in turn, reports to, its corporate parent, the WESTERN HEMISPHERE GROUP, LTD., a fiduciary organization, engaged in watchdog services, in the protective oversight of the hemisphere’s forests, inclusive of its resident fauna and flora. An organizational infrastructure, identically structured and purposefully dedicated, also exists, respecting the Eastern Hemisphere. For logistical reasons, both hemispheric organizations have joint offices in Quito, Equator, in proximity to the Equator, the Planet’s Official Meridian Line.
The specific Sub-Committee, the SFA, is, by far, the busiest, of the many other such subcommittees, and convenes, each Spring, after the completion of its post-hibernation census, of its constituents (the resident small furry critters, such as chipmunks, squirrels, beavers, opossums, hedgehogs, badgers and weasels, but excluding rats and mice (whose adequate population, particularly in urban areas, is, for some reason, eternally, assured). By specific regulation, no predatory animals are afforded membership, nor included within the mandatory census (such as foxes, all feline species, coyotes and wolves), despite the existence of an eternally, debatable point, as to whether they legally qualify as intended small, furry animals, the proper beneficiaries of the sub-committee’s altruism.
The procedural By-Laws of the sub-committee, call for a mandatory, initial roll call and determination of the presence of a quorum. That being satisfactorily accomplished, the second (and final) mandated requirement, is the public reading from the Small Critter Scroll, the honor of which, this meeting was awarded, this meeting, to Woody Chopowitz, the dedicated and industrious beaver representative, from Lake Mohegan, New York.
The extensive Scroll, in short, recounts the facts of the ignorant, immoral and self-serving assumption of humankind, that it has the inalienable right to trespass upon nature and her entire lands and fields, whose rightful ownership has eternally and rightfully belonged to its earlier (and present) occupants, the indigenous animal population.
The Scroll goes on to recite the ageless and essentially ludicrous history of man’s, continuous conflict and tragic warfare, regarding the asserted ownership of lands, by parties, neither of which, have ever actually possessed any color of right, to the ownership or possession of land. The assumption that the victors of war have thereby established their ownership of the land of the conquered people, has ever been delusional. Neither party has ever owned the land, which was, earlier and permanently, bequeathed by Nature to its children and natural residents, the animals of the plains and field.
After some pointed reference to the many eons of human trespass, the highly reverenced, Scroll concludes with a comic depiction of a frequently performed, meaningless ceremony, in which several, business dressed humans gather around a table, and with serious demeanor, politely take turns, penning their respective names to paper, then impressing an inked stamp, and thereafter smiling, in the mutual assumption that ownership of the designated real estate has, effectively, changed hands. As provided in the omniscient Scroll, nothing has occurred, by virtue of this silly, terpsichorean demonstration, with the exception of an exchange of typewritten, signed and stamped papers, from one non-owner to another.
The meeting continued with negative written reports from the latest air and water pollution committee, just received by bee mail, the devastating findings of the trash and chemicals, by the representatives of the health and welfare group, the sad and frightening statistics, reported by the animal-homicide hunting committee and finally, a truly terrifying report from the all-important climate change special investigating committee.
A wise raccoon, loudly and disgustedly, announced to the assemblage, “not only have humans, ignorantly,and egotistically, arrogated to themselves the ownership of the planet, they are now acting as if they have the right to destroy it.”