Post # 468   THE SOVEREIGN NATION OF IGNOMANIA (Fiction no. 8)

Research indicates that despite its easy accessibility, visitors to the Sovereign Nation of Ignomania, are notably rare, with the exception of a monthly supply ship, which, following complete unloading at the designated platform, at the foot of the large wall, immediately departs. Walls are eight feet in height, with supporting wooden beams, steel reinforced, topped with razor wire, and running along the entire border of the island Nation, a circumference, approaching forty-seven miles.  At regular sites, along the broad, encompassing wall, there are official signs, prohibiting immigration, on “pain of long imprisonment.”

A brief history of the Sovereign Nation of Ignomania, may prove to be enlightening. The Nation began its existence, in fact, as a Democratic Republic. In time, it degraded, by subtle degrees to its present description, an autocratic Monarchy, through the offices of, an apathetic public, a decline in the public media, especially the Press, and the exponential growth in population and influence, of its low information, populist citizenry. The factual details of said hapless decline, are adequately set forth in various historical accounts of the period, and it is quite beyond the intended scope of this writing, which is merely, to offer a description of the subject Monarchial State.

Conceivably, due to a nostalgic remembrance of its bygone history as a Democratic Republic, the King, atypically, is elected but, solely within the Nation’s one party system. The term of office, is, in reality, evergreen (perpetual), provided he remains alive and willing to serve. The Royal Constitution contains, virtually, no substantive limitation, whatsoever, to the authority of reigning Monarch; however, regarding the citizens, it does have one utilitarian restriction, specifically, making any and all revolutions, illegal and “unconstitutional”.

The official name, of the new Nation, was, conceived erroneously, based upon a complete ignorance as to the meaning of two words.  It was to have been named, “THE SOVEREIGN NATION OF EGOMANIA”, but the founders, in their respective states of admirable erudition, misspelled the intended name, to read: “THE SOVEREIGN STATE OF IGNOMANIA.” The resultant word, the meaning of which, its founders were completely ignorant, (as they were of the originally intended one) was not discerned for a period in excess of four months, and then, left as is, for purposes of practicality, due to previously printed stationary, forms, emblems, flags, State Seal and the like.

Some information might be useful regarding the King. The President and Chief Executive of the erstwhile, democratic, Nation, was an individual, one, Roland T. Rump, a former circus juggler, who turned to politics, having been financed by industrialists, (whose quest for profits, caused them to oppose all regulations, including those which would ameliorate global warming) and whose votes and influence, when added to the vast number of votes of the flat-earth, uninformed, populists, led to a Rump victory.


Rump always yearned for a Monarchial Title, especially, after viewing movies, such as Ben Hur and Spartacus, in which, he was impressed with the, historic fact, that Roman Emperors, and Kings, bore heroic, Imperial names. He then fully satisfied his all- consuming ego, by convening a public, formal ceremony, attended by thousands of citizens, in which, he was, mandatorily, awarded the imperial name, of his choice, “GLUTEUS MAXIMUS”.

The newly installed “Monarch,” ecstatically happy, in contemplation of his brilliant, creation of a new, imperial dynasty, in which his future descendants, would bear the majestic name. He immediately ordered that a Royal Palace be built, (at public expense) and so constructed, as to only have a right wing, to the exclusion of a left wing. The lopsided, palace, still stands, bearing on its lintel, the shiny, formal, gold leafed, words, “ROYAL PALACE OF GLUTEUS MAXIMUS.”

The new Nation, under the glorious reign of its exemplary ruler, wasted no time in establishing nuanced laws and, new (mandated) folkways to engage and solidify, a sense of citizen nationhood, pride and identification. The Nation’s citizens, when outdoors, were legally required to wear red baseball hats, stating, in contrasting white letters, “Make Ignomania Great.”  Such Ordinance is enforced by roving, civic police, sporting AR 25, semi-automatic rifles. At all times, it is easy to spot King, Gluteus Maximus, despite the presence of overwhelming crowds, by his red hat, with the State motto emblazoned thereupon, as well as his unruly, orangutan-orange hair, (there are, on duty, at all times, royal hairdressers, with power hairdryers at the ready), his smiling corpulence and, rather significantly, by the fact that he routinely, carries a partly eaten hamburger, in one hand (often dripping ketchup) and a golf club in the other.

Although the State is Monarchial, its King, Gluteus Maximus 1st, was, as stated, chosen, democratically, by the vote of the Nation’s citizens, under its one-party system.  There are mandatorily attended, weekly, rallies of support for the King, plus other, official occasions, like Official State dinners, where hamburger on roll, soda or beer, and then dessert, are served; the latter, usually consisting of M & M’s (peanuts), or some other esoteric specialty, selected, by the knowledgeable and aesthetic Monarch. The State, as a compassionate gesture, refunds the excess of any subscription paid, over six dollars, by its attending citizens, for any communal event. All money collected, goes into the King’s account, for State emergencies, such as an observed, material decline, in the Royal inventory of M & M’s, and other similar State emergencies.

There appear to be no colleges or universities, anywhere, in the Nation, as well as not one of the forbidden, libraries, museums, galleries or concert halls; but there are six primary schools, affording a “full spectrum of education,” running up to the ninth grade. There is but one newspaper, which is reviewed by a designated, sycophant- employee, of the King (one who can, truthfully boast of a [rare] literacy), for the possibility of “fake” news (viz., unfavorable to King Maximus). Freedom of the Press, however, as a protected institution, is, incontrovertibly, sanctioned, by the benevolent Monarch, as, inarguably, exemplified by the Royally encouraged, publication of twelve, officially approved, “girlie” magazines

As, smilingly declared, by His August Majesty, King Gluteus Maximus the 1st, “Things have never been better.”                                        -p

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Retired from the practice of law'; former Editor in Chief of Law Review; Phi Beta Kappa; Poet. Essayist Literature Student and enthusiast.

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