The Wistful Vista Pharmaceutical Company has announced the development of a newly formulated “miracle” tonic, “Re-Ignition.” The subject product is a revolutionary supplement, purportedly indicated for individuals naturally lacking in inherited cognitive function. (“I.Q..”). The new product, like most pharmaceuticals, will be marketed universally through television commercials to be broadcast on all channels except NPR ( where the demand is assumed to be less urgent).
Dramatic testimonials promoting the sale of the miraculous elixir have been produced and widely broadcast; illustrative examples are listed below:
Mr. Selwin Dumnkoff of Atlanta, Georgia, pictured, standing before a library suitcase, ” I am a user of the fruit-flavored tonic, ‘Re-Ignition’, and within five days of first use developed the desire to read classic novels and educational pamphlets, opening up new vistas to me, and adding to the personal value of my life,”
Ms. Elvira Snarl of Roanoke, Virginia, happily declared that the tonic, pleasantly tasting of fresh mango, made her forgo her lifetime reservations about reading newspapers and staying informed of current political events, and, consequently and beneficially, formulating a personal view on contemporary political issues.
Willie Lump-Lump of Atlanta, Georgia, waxed enthusiastic concerning his newly developed acumen in the sport of Chinese Checkers, becoming a leading contender in his county,
Mitzi Needlenose crowed about her newly discovered acumen in knitting initialed designer socks for her fellow congregants at Hapless Evangelical Church, the new capability resulting from her daily practice of drinking Bombay gin mixed with ” Re-Ignition.”
Louise Wu, of Manhattan, New York, testified to her newfound ability, thanks to taking the miraculous tonic, to effectively communicate in classic Mandarin with Yiddish-speaking American immigrants from Belarus, and,
Victor Vassuvian of Armenia, New York, happily declared that, thanks to the tonic, he was now able to play all five Brandenburg Concertos and The Well-Tempered Clavier of Bach. on his balalaika.
The jars of Re-ignation Tonic, however, notably contain an FDA warning that the regenerative tonic should not be taken by MAGA supporters and their families, for fear that it might lead to extreme hives and morbid constipation; anecdotal cases of migraine headaches and hallucinations, in such cases, have been anecdotally reported.
-p.
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