Because of its singular significance, the regular bi-monthly meeting of the Wistful Vista Virtue Ass’n, LLC, was not, as usual, convened at the local High School gym but in the intimate and ornate living room of its longtime President, Elvira T. Swine. Its loyal members were in full attendance at this Special Meeting, which, as is customary, included its Recording Secretary, Romona Sue Epicac, and its Spiritual Adviser, Rev. Yono Say, of Wistful Vista’s ” Church of Blind Faith.”
It may be recalled that the dedicated censorship group was the recent recipient of an Certificated of Honor honored, from the National Censors and Bookburner’s Association, for its dedicated watchdog efforts regarding the WistfulVista Public Library, successfully eliminating lewd and lascivious literature such as, “Huckelberry Finn,” “Wuthering Heights,” “Puss in Boots,” Uncle Tom’s Cabin and “Gone with the Wind.” The organization had, in fact, been so idealistically dedicated to their duty to enforce proper standards of religious and political morality as, to its credit, eliminated no less than fifty percent of the inventory of books of the public library to proudly, evince entirely bare, but inargubly inoffensive bookshelves.
After taking attendance and following a brief but morally cogent address by the Reverend Yono Say, Ms. Swine, officially called the Special Meeting to order and introduced the guest speaker, Ms. I.P. Daley, from the “Venerable Guardians of Literary Virtue,” to speak on the urgent subject of restaurant and diner menus; the same being surreptitiously employed by malefasctors as a tactically subtle medium for the perpetration of smut and meretricious language which was in violation of societal morality and acceptable values. Ms. Imogene passionately pleaded for the comprehensive moral scrutiny of all publically accessible menus from the local area’s restaurants, diners, and “Mom-and-Pop” coffee shops.
As a utilitarian guide, Ms. Daly handed out to the energized attendees a compiled list of illustrative recommendations for moral censorship, accumulated from two years of intensive study and ubiquitous investigation by her watchdog organization, with brief explanations, including possible indications of unacceptable double entendre or a syllable constituting a suggestive moral offense. She candidly admitted that the list of offensive menu lexicon was significantly limited for practical reasons, but nevertheless, of utility as a pragmatic guide in the conduct of their morally responsible duty. The list follows:
(A) BREAKFAST MENU: Coddled eggs [too intimate], Deviled eggs, Stewed prunes [suggestive of intoxication], Date-nut bread, Cinnamon ( phon.,”Sinner Man?], Hot Cakes, French Toast, Fruit Cake [sugg. insanity], Lox [i.e., sexual bondage or sadsistic restraints], ” [ lascivious], hot” cereal [ suggests, laced with illegal drugs or stimulants].
(B) LUNCH MENU: Smoked tongue, [immoral], Chicken Fingers [sugg. masturbation], Weiners [Freudian], suckling pig, Chinese Poo-Poo platter [suggests excrement], Devil Dogs, fresh turkey breast, [ female anatomical reference], Meat balls [sugg. alt. “beef orbs”], Fruit salad, Fruit bites, fruit cake, [ former adjective may suggest their preparation by homosexuzals] Crabs, [ disagreable male hygene], Greek Salad [salacious meal, eaten during prohibited male sex].
(C) DINNER MENU: Pot roast, potted chicken,” chicken pot pie, or, potted” anything [possible marijuana reference], Strip steak, Pork butt, Chicken fingers, Black and White cookies, Bone-in Tenderloin, horrific suggestion of violent intertcourse], French fries, Cheesecake [“nude photos”], Matzoh Balls, [poss. (Hebrew) anatomical reference], peas, [ tasteless, low-brow bathroom language].
It appeared to be one o’clock, lunchtime, and the inspired and dedicated members, with lists in hand, pens, notebooks, and where needed, polished their eyeglasses and resolutely rushed out to the local “Wistful Vista Diner” for lunch and, more cogently, menu investigation.
-p.
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