An Official Press Conference was convened last Wednesday at the Capital Executive Office, traditionally referred to as “The Oblique Office.” Present was the newly re-elected Chief -Executive, Denny J. Dumpster, his unelected sidekick, Feline Crust, and the usual members of the media (except the AP).
It had been leaked to the media by a federal civil servant two days before his shocking, unexpected summary dismissal by Crust), that the two had conferred for three days and that the Chief Executive, anxious to reveal his brilliant new plan, had requested that the meeting be scheduled at once. However, he was obliged to wait an extra day while members of the Official Cleaning Staff cleaned the copious ketchup stains from the drapes, and the spaghetti and pasta sauce, on the walls.
Despite the remaining ketchup stains and a small amount of spaghetti on the entrance door, President Dumpster, impatiently desirous of proving to the press (and the public) that his universal perception as incompetent was erroneous, directed that the Press Conference be convened “at once.”
When all had assembled in the (“mostly clean”) Oblique Office, Dumpster excitedly announced that he (and his smiling autistic savant) had devised a brilliant plan; in fact, a “panacea” (he, in candor, actually used the word, “answer”) to most of the Country’s problems. The “brilliant” solution would consist of the effectuation of the following: to trade one of the blue states, like Rhode Island, in exchange for Mexico. Dripping with salivary excitement, he explained that the incorporation of Mexico would, ipso facto, solve the Nation’s immigration dilemma since the transfer would legally make Mexicans American citizens and thereby avert the immigration problem. He also suggested that his private development company could build hotels and golf courses and would be able to profitably improve the impoverished Nation.
Several of the members of the media actually fainted. Then, one reporter commented that Mexico had historically owned a substantial portion of the Southwest until it lost the “Mexican-American War.”
After much responsive hiccuping and coughing, nevertheless, and -notably, in a pseudo-confident voice, the embarrassed President stated: let’s postpone the plan. America does not like “losers.”
The media rose and slowly filed out, much relieved, while carefully assisting their fainted colleagues from the historic chamber.
-p.
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