Selwin T. Kluggermench, the sole progeny of Tandelaya and F. Throckmorton Klugermench, 32 years of age and still living with his parents, sat up on the early morning of his birthday, July 4, parted the window curtains and ruminated on the miraculous turn his life has taken from its former awkwardly introverted and frustratingly meaningless state to his present fortuitous, widely celebrated success.
His life changed at the mere age of 22, because of the discovery of his innate, unique, and previously undisclosed, talent for computer lapboard research. Lately, he has regularly been consulted by leading research institutions, governmental and civilian, including, the U.S. Censorship Bureau, the National Weather Service, the U.S. Departments of State, The Federal Bureau of Investigation, National Geographic, The Boy Scouts of America and a virtually unlimited clientele, who, at times require the most arcane and abstruse data, empirically unattainable even by the most highly recognized researchers available in the digital world.
Sartorially unkempt and remarkably skinny, the previously non-assertive, Selwin Kluggermench’s subsequently revealed. life-changing singular data crunching capability was fortuitously discovered by the brother of an inspector employed by the home inspection service, engaged by Kluggermench Senior, as part of the customary exercise of diligence concerning the prospective purchase of a suburban home in Wistful Vista, New York. The resultant discovery of a substantial infestation of Eastern Subterranean Termites necessitated the pragmatic termination of the real estate transaction. but by fortunate happenstance, opened the window to the world-class digital genius of our then-youthful, introverted, and markedly introverted protagonist.
Selwin, with lapboard, writing pad, and two, freshly sharpened Eberhard # 2 wooden pencils, after breaking off a soft 6-inch piece of the infested wooden building frame, simply as personal amusement, thereafter successfully calculated the precise extent of the realty’s termite infestation, inclusive of the yet visibly undamaged portions of the wooden structure. The signature event, performed simply for his own casual amusement, was by chance observed by the visiting manager of the house inspection company and excitedly reported to his brother, Milton; a highly placed civil servant in the State Environmental Commission. Milton, after painstaking confirmation of Selwein’s computer calculations, related the facts to his paternal cousin. employed, locally, by the United States Department of the Interior.
To summarize a long subsequent and eventful series of events, the singular capability of our protagonist as an undiscovered lapboard genius of recondite intelligence, became a household word in the arcane world of academic and political investigation. Remote and valuable areas, previously inaccessible despite the expensive employment of known capable and innovative researchers, were, at last accessible through the singular and seemingly “occult talent” of the fortuitously discovered, maestro of lapboard research and analysis, the unique and brilliant, Selwin Kluggermench.
Subsequently, Selwin went on to amaze the multi-disciplined academic research world with his exceptional prowess in research analysis, relative to any variety of ubiquitously submitted subjects, ranging from the optic impact of the bumble bees’ yellow coloration on the daytime seductive properties of the pistols of the tea rose, to the secret articulated language visibly implicit in tree rings, the quantum of chewing gum masticated by teenagers, below the age of seventeen, the dynamics of the innate circular curling prowess, empirically attributable to Eastern earthworms and the standard, acceptable diameter of center holes in the average, commercially produced bagel. Nothing was pragmatically unattainable with the benefit of the miraculously utilitarian services of Selwin Kluggermench. the international aficionado and exotic guru of recondite computer lapboard research.
It may be enlightening to note however, anecdotally, and revealingly, on last Tuesday’s typical rainy morning, after serving her Selwin his customary milk-toast and cocoa breakfast, Tondelaya Kluggermench advised her son as follows: “Selwin, dear, we received a letter for you this morning,” Selwin, uncomfortably confused, but preternaturally inquisitive, responded, ” Momma, what’s a letter?”
-p.
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