The public media has reported a curious event that transpired in the coastal Atlantic Ocean, approximately three miles off the beach of Palm Beach, Florida. The incident was reported, by the three-man crew of a locally owned fishing trawler to the local offices of the Coast Guard. The real estate record indicates that such offices had been relocated to the premises of a former resort known as “Mar-a Largo,” seized by the authorities for the payment of legal obligations of its former owner.
According to the report, the crew of the “Alfred E. Newman,” the latter, a vessel trawling for pompano, upon surfacing the heavy-laden nets, discovered to their amazement, that it was not the expected cache of the highly prized fish, but instead, a quantity of flotsam and jetsam, including a water soaked Ship’s Log and a large, cracked section of a gold-leafed, wooden placard, bearing the sunken ship’s name, “The Winner.” Also discovered floating among the assorted debris, were six unopened plastic bags of M&M’s, a half-full bottle of orange hair dye, three water-stained red neckties, a plethora of “selfies” taken with various hosts of Fox News, fan letters from a Steve Bannon and Steven Miller and a red baseball hat, its letters faded and entirely washed out and no longer discernable and a profuse number of small plastic, ketchup-stained hamburger boxes, imprinted with the designation, “McDonald’s.”
The floating “Captain’s Log,” turned out to be barely legible, due to several blotchy stains from the ocean water and further complicated by its childish handwriting, replete with profane and misspelled expletives. It seemed to recount, rather than a standard, experiential record of the vessel’s nautical experiences, such as weather, navigational and steering detail, bizarrely instead, a daily shipboard recitation of self-serving personally ascribed attributions of personal praiseworthy accomplishments, and also sundry and repetitive harsh criticism of various media reports, liberal politicians, the general press and, most emphatically, of women who have “absurdly” refused his aesthetic and ardent advances. A water-logged file folder was recovered containing several letters of profuse commendation from Steven Bannon, Betsy Devos, Steven Miller, and Mike Johnson.
Also discovered afloat was a carton, still clearly labeled, “Mar-A-Lago Restroom” containing assorted documents bearing the official governmental seal. The final items recovered from the trawler’s fishing nets were two megaphones and personally autographed photos of Jeffry Einstein, Rudy Giuliani, Stormy Daniels, and Vladimir Putin, the latter, in a sexy bathing suit, stern-faced photos of Xi Jimping and an angry, cigar-smoking Viktor Orban, as well as a virtual plethora of “final demand,” unpaid legal invoices.
A noteworthy entry in the orange-haired Captain’s Log was a dramatic account of an insurrection, or “mutiny” of the ship’s crew, ordered by him. The insurrection was immediately halted when the First Mate, revealingly, made clear to the Captain, that any shipboard mutiny, by definition, would, be against the Captain, himself; but not before three sailors had been thrown overboard. The log then relates that peace was restored and nautical pardons, were benevolently granted to all surviving crewmembers.
However, most excruciatingly painful, as further recorded in the recovered shipboard log (apparently by the First Mate), was that the violent uprising had resulted in substantial damage to the vessel, causing it to sink rapidly and to do so with an enormous “whooshing” sound, which to the vigorously water- treading, orange-haired Captain’s embittered dismay, while he was panicky treading water, sounded identical to the dreaded word, “LOSER.”
-p.
* Thanks to novelist Nicolas Monserrat for the title.
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