Dear loyal listeners, welcome to another of our weekly, Tuesday, 3:A.M. prime- time broadcasts of “LETS BAN BOOKS,” a public radio service of the “Literary Constabulary, LLC.” a/k/a “Book Cop” an “Evangelical Virtue Approved” organization. This is your regular hostess, Elvira D. Swine, media director and Assistant Executive Examiner, of “Book Cop.” bringing you another expert panel discussion on the vital subject of literary morality.
In the interest of objectivity and ultimate fairness, today, our expert panel consists of authentic authors, of classically important works, that have morally qualified for perusal by “Book Cop,” which books are readily available for purchase at our Sales Office, located at 333 Clean Speak Road, Wistful Vista, Florida, and at certain other designated, “Book Cop,” morally approved bookstores.
The first of our three eminent panelists is the creationist-naturalist, Darwin Dense, celebrated author of the World-acclaimed, best-selling, natural craft and hobby Field Manual, “Growing Earwax for Fun and Profit.” Next, we are extremely, pleased and flattered to present, as our second expert panelist, Ms. Tallulah Ipecac, nuanced, poetess and renowned, expert on Southern New England, rock lichen art; and third but not last, Mr. Willy Burner, liaison officer for the literary institution, “Smutty Book Fireplace.”
Well, loyal listeners, this morning’s book, dutifully and responsibly submitted for our regular expert panel review, is the salacious and truly scandalous, children’s book “The Little Engine That Could.” Before we open the ethical discussion to our expert panel, as moderator, I would like to peremptorily state, that the story title, itself, is grossly degenerate and objectionable, in that it symbolically, suggests the reprehensibly, obscene subject of positive sexual potency and is unquestionably, immoral and spiritually, inappropriate for any reader, let alone little children.
I will now address our expert literary panel and ask for their respective views on the book, and the immoral title.
Panel Discussion:
Sherwin Dense: This story of a train bearing toys and treats, for good children, and “breaking down,” is clearly objectionable since, it is essentially, a sordid and repulsive symbolic representation of an illicit overdose of governmental-controlled substances, an unquestionably, unsuitable topic for any morally aspirational, American family.
Tallulah Ipecac: The tactical author’s irresponsibly and radically, created protagonist, is a little “blue” locomotive” that arrives to save the day. His subtly expressed, racial theme and underlying meaning are all too obvious. Once again, we are confronted with the thorny and embarrassing subject of “color,” an embarrassing subject, which is to be completely avoided in all school curricula and literature.
Will Burner: While I have not read the story and, truthfully, have never heard of it, nevertheless, I will affirmatively and responsibly, cast my responsible and public-oriented, vote for its burning, as soon as possible, or, at the very least, to be officially banned by your organization and the supervisory, literary powers that are in charge.
Program Closer:
Elvira Swine (Hostess): Thank you all, very much for your responsible, moral, and righteous input. We will notify the usual Official Censors.
Listeners, tune in next week, at the same time and station when our special panel of dedicated literary supervisors will, by popular demand include the enlightening, Rev. Stanislaus Cassava, Minister and well-known author-photographer, whose valuable expertise on the subject of the existential evil implicit in pornographic-themed photos of common garden vegetables. The panel will critically, and objectively, discuss the salacious works of the morally bankrupt, reputational hippie, and licentious author, Louisa May Alcott.
-p.
*[var. bats in the belfry]
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