Legal scholars, jurists, attorneys and avid Court watchers, as well as the general public, are in a state of excited anticipation, awaiting the forthcoming decision by the United States Supreme Court (“SCOTUS”) in the appeal from the lower Appellate Court decision in AARP v. The Cosmetic Public Relations Council, concerning the existentially determinative legal issue: “Do frogs have eyebrows?”
The parties are as follows: Appellant, “American Amphibian Rights Society” (“AARP”), represented by the Atlanta law firm of Swampscum, Daly and Knightly, I.P. Daly Esq., of counsel, Respondent, “Council of Marshland Evangelical Bible Belters,” by the Baton Ridge firm of Payne and Suffring, Redding Blemish Esq. of counsel. The legal positions having been thoroughly briefed, legal precedent and the relevant didactic literature consulted, the nationally impactful matter is declared ready for argument. Due to the intense, widespread public interest in the matter, the presence of television cameras has been granted judicial approval.
(Non-Fictional) Background–
[Since its inception, it has been universally mandatory to obtain the approval of SCOTUS to accept a case for review, which approval required a prospective appellant to successfully obtain by “Writ of Certiorari,” an Order directing the lower Court to send up the case for review. Until the unprecedented decision in “Bush v. Gore, in the year 2000, the granting of the Writ was strictly dependent upon a successful demonstration that the matter at bar lacks any conceivable, direct or subtle, political impact or significance. Such “Black Letter Law” was historically created to preserve the integrity of the constitutionally enshrined, “Separation of Powers”, viz., “Executive,” “Legislative” and “Judicial.”
Following Bush v. Gore, the Nation’s veneration of the many decades of historically admirable performance and indeed, of SCOTUS, itself sadly evinced an observably slow, but clearly discernable, decline in demonstrated fiduciary responsibility to the Nation, and in resultant citizen respect. The latter was brought about by its continued errant acceptance and adjudication of “political” cases and (as observed in previous blogs) it has, shockingly revealed itself at times to be receptive to influence from religious and big business interests.
Of the SCOTUS decisions, most notably, inconsistent with the foundational principles of our National Democracy, we would select two; arguably, the most egregious and damaging to our democratic foundation: Citizen’s United (2010) and Dobbs v. Jackson (2022). In such disquieting cases, the corrupting influence, respectively, of big business and the religious lobby on the four conservative SCOTUS Justices (of the nine) tactically appointed to the Court by right-wing interests, has determinatively impaired the nature of our unique Democratic Republic.
In the Citizen’s United case, SCOTUS opened the floodgates to the billions of dollars that have since poured into our elections enabling those with great wealth to enjoy a vastly greater influence on our political system than the average American citizen. The shameless sophomoric justification for its monstrous exacerbation of an already extant problem is an observable blemish on the foundational principle of citizen equality regarding the voting franchise. The Court, unashamedly cited, as a bizarre rationale, that corporations, legally are “people,” and the right of people to contribute to an election is legally unlimited. Every law school freshman and most entrepreneurs know, that the legal “personage” afforded to corporations is legally understood (since its creation in the English Statute of Elizabeth) to be fictional, utilized to grant third-party limited liability to a vulnerable (human) entrepreneur (N.B. the old English Law imprisoned debtors) and universally understood not to be a living and breathing person. SCOTUS’ puerile legal analogy makes evident a desperate need for a rationale for its politically influenced and corrupt decision.
An especially impactful illustration of SCOTUS’s transmogrification to the state of irresponsibly catering to religious influence, (as distinguished from the inappropriately,” political,” Taxpayer United case) is Dodd v. Jackson (2022). In irrefutable contradiction to the explicit provisions of the Constitution’s “Establishment Clause” mandating that the government make no law affecting religious belief, SCOTUS irresponsibly surrendered to the influence of the Christian Evangelical lobby, by overruling the fifty-year SCOTUS affirmation of the rights of women to have an abortion. In addition to the extinguishment of citizen’s natural rights (the historically expressed theme, articulated by the Constitution, by contrast, being the protection of citizen rights from incursion by the government) the direct consequence of such removal of the half-century of reliance on its precedential approval of the personal right to abortion has resulted in media reported, daily instances of mortal danger, human tragedy and great personal suffering.]—
[Oral Argument]
Case at bar: May, 2024 term, # 1787: Amphibian Rights v. Evangelical Marshland Council:
[Precis of Appellant, Amphibian Rights, Oral Argument]: (I.P. Daly, Esq.): Pond frogs have a protruding, temporal ridge, essential to ingestion since they singularly flex their eye muscles to assist swallowing. The skin-covered ridge anatomically located above this existentially functioning apparatus is bony and relatively small but existentially important in eye protection from excess water and foreign matter. With regard to such prominent location and existential importance, its adornment by the female of the frog species signals health and attractiveness, deemed material to mating and population of the species. The universal recognition of the personal right of expression, inclusive of eyeliners and enhanced eyebrows by female frogs lends significant impetus to their existential existence as a species as well as the cosmetic recognition of their essential individuality. The right, in essence, constitutes a legally protected expression of free speech and individual self-assertion.
[Precis of Appellee’s, Marsh Evangelical, Oral Argument]: (Redding Blemish, Esq.):” Intentionally disfiguring any product of the Deity’s six-day creation by wanton cosmetic alteration is not only blasphemous and recklessly disrespectful but part of the ongoing atheistic plot to caricature creation. Any heretic amphibian, notably including frogs, wantonly practicing such improper, lewd and lascivious practice should be dealt with in accordance with the appropriate criminal law applicable to the jurisdiction in which the heinously criminal offense was committed.”
(Split) RULING OF THE COURT [4- 3]
MAJORITY DECISION [4 Conservative Justices]: The flagrant act of cosmetically altering nature, by female frogs, enhancing their “eyebrows,” is morally analogous in irresponsibility to the anti-societal practice of installing graphic obscenity on public walls, by sinful human beings and is deemed empirically disruptive of the orderly course of society, whether on a ghetto wall or country pond; it should, in the vital interest of the maintenance of an orderly moral society, in ponds and metropolis be criminalized.
DISSENT (3 Liberal Justices]: Judicial Interference, universally, with the private rights of expression and personal attempts at self-fulfillment, of pond frogs or any existing fauna, legally constitutes an unjustified and unwarranted interference with free speech, as well as an abysmal violation of the “Establishment Clause.”
-p.